Posts filed under ‘Aging’

Wii for Old Folks…like me!

Wii For Old Folks? You mean my excuse doesn’t work anymore?
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For quite some time now, I’ve been blaming my total lack of video-gaming ability on my age. I am so bad at Wii that according to my Wii Fit, I should be stumbling all over the place, barely able to walk and talk on my cell phone at the same time. But I don’t really care what the Wii Fit says, because I just tell myself (and all of you), I’m past forty! It’s chronologically impossible for me to learn this stuff. So what if my son has shown me 47 times how to play The Legend of Starfy, and I still can’t get past level one? So what if I get trapped in the same damn room in Fossil Fighters every time I try. Or if Super Mario Brothers for me will forever be Mario, Renzo, and Bob, the tennis counselors at my camp? Age, for once, is on my side. I am not of the generation to master vidoe games of any kind. Put that in your remote and click it. And then I heard this: baby boomers and seniors are playing video games. A lot. Believe it or not, more than 25 percent of all video game players are 55+ per www.theesa.com. And not just older people…but OLD people. See that picture? That was taken at a senior centers where Nintendo, as part of a month-long program, brought video games for seniors (and their grandkids) to play. Did these people use their age as an excuse? You can bet they did. But then, guess what? They started loving it. They’re playing, they’re starting Wii Bowling Leagues. They’re good at it. Which is all fine and dandy for them, but what does it say about ME? I cannot hula Wii style, or ski jump, or balance those little friggin balls on the 3D platform. And apparently, it’s not my age, it’s ME! These old people may be getting exercise, being social, connecting with their grandkids but me, I’m just a spaz. Gee thanks, Nintendo. Full Disclosure: While I have received goods from Nintendo in the past, no goods, services or pay was received in conjunction with this post.

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January 13, 2010 at 10:46 pm Leave a comment

Ageless Body? Yeah, right.

Long ago, I discovered the secret to buying (passably) flattering bathing suits: the worse you look the more you pay. (Hence, the Karla Coletto bazillion dollar(and worth every penny) bathing suit.)  I then learned the secret to feeling young and attractive: hang out with the septaugenarians.  I’ve bemoaned the new fahion-math: in Hollywood, size six is the new size twelve. I’ve questioned the new age-math (not new-age math, mind you, but new age-math) which tries to tell us that 40 is the new thirty, and 80 is the new sixty.  By that logic, I’m actually getting younger every year.

Still, nothing prepared me for my recent beach-side discovery:  post-forty, bodies age exponentially.

Think about it: what was your body like at 20?  Was it so different at 25?  At 30? Probably not. As a matter of fact,  I was actually in better shape at 32 than I was at 22.  At 32 I was working out, jogging, eating right.  At 22 I was living in Paris, smoking, drinking wine, and thought exercise was something I only had to do in America, and only then when some oversized PE teacher was forcing me.

Now think of your body at 38.  Then at forty.  Then at 42. (If you haven’t reached this milestone, don’t read on: you might not want to know what’s next).  Still the same body?  Not so much, huh?

Last year, I noticed that my knees were wrinkling. Knees!! What the hell can you do about that?  This year, my quads have joined in.  Mind you, I weigh less (thank you Weight Watchers) this year than I did last,  and the muscles are still under there: yoga and Nia, and weight training, and even ballroom dancing sees to that.  But my skin doesn’t care.  My skin is aging.  Fast.

So is the rest of me.  Today, I went to Tip Top Shoes to try to find stylish shoes that don’t bother my back or my bunion. There, I said it.  BUNION.  If that doesn’t say “your body is aging” well, what does? (By the way stylkish shoes adn bunion really don’t go together. I don’t care what Mephisto says.)

Then there’s the fact that I can no longer drink alcohol.  I was never much of a drinker.  Maybe a few glasses of wine once or twice a month.  But now?  ONE glass, and I’m out of commission for three days. Jeez.

It isn’t that I don’t want to get older (well, I don’t, but that’s not the point) The point is, why is it happening so fast?  I pretty much looked the same from the time I was 20 until I was thirty.  There were little changes – maybe my skin wasn’t quite as vibrant – but overall, the changes were just a difference – not a decline.

So all this leads me to one thing:  should I change the name of my blog?  Let’s face it, agelessbodytimelessmom.com is quite a mouthful, quite a thing to type in, and awfully hard to remember, from what I gather. (Does no one get the Deepak Chopra reference?  Anyone? Anyone?)

I have been working on a manuscript for a while now, it’s called: From Hip to Housewife in Two Kids Flat.  So I’m asking here — should I change my website’s name to FromHiptoHousewife.com?  FromHip2Housewife.com?  Or just keep it as is.  Because, let’s face it, despite my best attempts, I’m not exactly ageless here.  

Votes welcome.  Vote, please, and fast.  I’m not getting any younger.

June 9, 2009 at 9:16 pm Leave a comment

NYC Moms Blog Post: My Daughter Thinks She’s Fat and It’s all my Fault

Swimsuit season is upon us.  And with it the onslaught of diet ads on tv, magazines with pics of celebs caught having actual cellulite, and me, bemoaning my post-partum, post-forty, past passing for anything but middle-aged body.

Though I am, if I am completely, intellectually honest, neither truly fat, or particularly unattractive, I have made a life (and something of a writing career) of comically dissecting my physical flaws.  I’m the self-appointed Queen of Bad Body Image, chronicling on line and in print my twenty year quest to lose the same ten pounds.  I’ve joked about the fact that my belly button seems to be frowning, that the only men who find me attractive are septuagenarians, that I’ve chosen to paint my daughter’s room the same lavender color as my newly acquired varicose veins.

Ha Ha.  Nudge nudge.  Wink Wink. Very funny.  Until this morning, when my daughter refused to eat breakfast because, she told me through her tears, the boys in her class had told her she was fat.

Want to read the rest of this post?  Click here to go to NYC Moms Blog. (and while you’re there, leave a comment, wouldja?)

June 4, 2009 at 11:04 am Leave a comment

Put some clothes on!!!

This week, summer prematurely came to New York and with it, came a few discoveries.  42-15621069

1. People on the East Side spend a lot of time on their knees, while people on the West Side spend a lot of time on their food.  How else to explain the plethora of tulips, hyacinths, and daffodils sprouting from every tree-trunk garden  from East 69th Street to East 91st Street, and the presence of Zabars, Citarella, H&H, Barney Greengrass and Fairway in roughly the same area on the West Side of town?

2. When your children scooter to school, it is unwise to wear your brand new bright yellow beaded Rafe flats.  You will get blisters.  You will bleed.  The yellow will turn orange.  And not in a good way.You don’t want orange shoes.

3. Whichever Ice Cream your child wants from the Ice Cream vendor whether it’s neon green shots, disgusting Sponge Bob ice with gumball eyes, or even the basic Ice Cream sandwich — said vendor will be out of it.

4. I am old.

No,  this isn’t about my upcoming birthday (Sunday – feel free to leave birthday greetings right here in the comment section.  No.  Really. Do.)  This isn’t about saggy knees, or brown spots, or elbows that look as if they’ve been crumpled up in the back of a drawer for a few decades.  No, I know I am old because I am consistently horrified by what “young girls” are wearing.

Yes, it seems I have jumped right from young mom in trendy threads, to disapproving Grandma in hip-high underwear without stopping at middle-aged woman still trying to be relevant.

But seriously.

Is there some rule that if you are female and possessing of a bustline you must display it so prominently that one might think your are at a State Fair, vying for the blue ribbon in Breast Augmentation? (more…)

April 28, 2009 at 10:01 pm 7 comments

Longboat Key: The Secret to Staying (relatively) Young

The kids love the calm water

The kids love the calm water

If you’re from the Northeast -and maybe even if you’re not – going to Florida means one of two things: going to the ultra-hip, cool, and trendy South Beach, or going to see your Grandparents.

Of course Grandparents-in-Florida means a lot of things:

  • – polyester pants –
  • canasta by the pool –
  • early bird specials –
  • really really bad driving
  • women sneaking rolls into their purses at the diner
  • constant discussions over the price of a can of Tuna Fish
  • constant monitoring of every single piece of food you put in your mouth because your grandmother is obsessed with being thin and you’re not. Thin, that is.

Oh, wait. Was that last one just me? (more…)

March 14, 2009 at 7:39 am Leave a comment

Self Deprecation Update!

I know what some of you have been thinking: “Wait! She can write about something other than herself?!?!?  Where’s the humor?  Whence the jokes? Wherefore all the political stuff?”

Fear not.  I’m back.  I mean, why should I worry about right-wing, tale-telling, potential leaders of the free world when I can obsess over my age spots?  Priorities people.  Priorities.

I’ve been writing for months now about the beginning of the end for my body. In the past few weeks, things have gotten worse.  And today — well, I can’t even talk about it. (and yet, you know I will.)

Here’s what’s been going on:

First, I have started needing longer arms.  You know, so I can read all that teeny weeny print on everything.  I call it “trombone-arm” because that’s how I have to move it to be able to see anything.  Can I read the newspaper at a high C? Nope.  Middle C? B flat? G? And down the scale until I might as well be playing the tuba, I’m so low.  I know what’s next, the indisputable sign that one is over the hill: reading glasses.  Just give me a wattle, a polyester pant-suit, and a funny hat for luck and I’ll meet you at the bingo hall. Click here to read more about my slow demise.

September 8, 2008 at 10:34 pm 1 comment

Wii Are not a very Good Athlete

I'm the cute avatar on the right!

I

Although I have been opposed to video games for years, I now own a Wii.

I own this Wii because some publicist obviously mistook me for someone with a wide audience and sent me one. He also sent me a Wii Fit. (Which I blogged about Here)

The Wii Fit is an amazing toy/exercise tool. It weighs you, calculates your body mass index, and then tests your reflexes and balance to determine your Wii Fit age, which it then uses to select exercises for you.

Well.

According to the Wii Fit, I am 48 years old. According to the Wii Fit, I am on the cusp of 50, I am headed for menopause, about to get some serious crows feet, about to droop so badly that my current body will seem taut in comparison.

According to the Wii Fit, my body is five years older than I am. (more…)

August 17, 2008 at 9:31 pm 2 comments

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