Archive for October, 2008

Patagonia Ruined my Magic Pants!

I like to refer to my lululemon pants as my “magic pants.” They make my butt look small.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is magic.  They make my stomach look flat.  That is not just magic, it’s miraculous.  Every time I wear them, someone asks me if I’ve lost weight.  That is spectacular.  It’s even better than vanity sizing.

Today, however, the magic died when my Patagonia jacket ruined my pants.  There’s some weird rough thing on the toggles of my Patagonia jacket.  Now, it looks like someone sandpapered off the front of my pants. Not only that, it draws attention to the only part of my lower half the magic doesn’t work on – my thighs.  Now, instead of noticing my smaller-looking butt, or my flatter-looking stomach, people’s eyes are drawn to my still-large thighs.  This is not good. This is anti-magic.  This is reality. Oh the horror!

Patagonia offered to give me a new jacket (if I paid the difference) but what about the magic?  I want Penn and Teller.  I want Doug Hennings.  I want the magic, baby.  I want a new pair of lululemon pants!


October 31, 2008 at 5:03 pm 2 comments

I Hate Halloween

I hate Halloween. There, I’ve said it. And if you tell my children I said it, I’ll call you a liar and deny it till the day I die.

But it’s true.

When I was a kid my mother made no attempt to conceal her disdain for the “holiday” she referred to as “that day when children who have everything go door to door like shnorrers, begging for food.” But  I liked the holiday, I loved dressing up in my princess costume and getting to wear makeup. I couldn’t wait to get all that candy. I would hoard it for months, and then have to throw away when it started getting stale, or growing legs and walking out of my hiding place on its own. (Watch out! Attack of the killer mold!)

To my Mom’s credit, she participated in the pagan ritual of Halloween despite her feelings. She knew I liked it, and she did what she could. That included turning me into a stick of Juicy Fruit. Yep, that’s me, circa 1974.

I’m sure she hated every minute of it. But she did it to make me happy. And now, (since every day I am turning into my mother more and more), I’m “doing” Halloween, even though I hate it. (more…)

October 28, 2008 at 12:17 pm 2 comments

Wall Street and the (Stair)Masters of the Universe

I walked past a job fair yesterday.  Usually, I find them quaint: young, fresh faced, newly graduated and full of hope candidates line up, looking excited at the prospect of their first job, their grown-up life.

This group of people, however, looked neither young, nor fresh-faced, nor hopeful.  I saw middle-aged men in expensive looking business suits who looked shell-shocked, as if they couldn’t understand where they were.  I saw 30-something wheeler-dealer types, who until the last few weeks had probably thought themselves invincible. There more people lined up for that job fair than I’d ever seen.  The line snaked down Sixth Avenue, across 19th Street, and around the corner of 18th Street almost halfway to 7th Avenue.  For the first time, I saw the ramifications of the current financial crisis up close.  These people weren’t starting out excited down the path to success, they were desperately clinging to what they already had, and were afraid to lose.

To most people, the financial crisis is happening in some mysterious place called Wall Street.  Evidently, the rest of America is “Main Street” and only this one street — the epicenter of the crisis, the “ground zero” of the financial downfall, is to blame.  To New Yorkers, Wall Street isn’t some figurative place, some metaphor for greed.  It’s just another street, with offices, and shops and a few not-very-good restaurants. It’s just another part of the City we call home. (more…)

October 18, 2008 at 2:23 pm 1 comment

Nia for Me-a

In my never-ending quest for a flab free existence without ever giving up a single food I like, I take Nia.

This, from the official Nia website, is what it is:

Nia is a body-mind-spirit fitness and lifestyle practice. Through expressive movement—The Body’s Way—Nia empowers people to achieve physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Life lived in a body the Nia way is life lived in relationship to the sacred geometry of life.

I have no idea what that means.  All I know is, Nia is fun.  Now let’s be honest: running on a treadmill is not fun.  Lifting weights is not fun.  Riding a stationary bike, doing squats, suffering through crunches, not fun, not fun, not fun.

Nia is dance you don’t need to be all that coordinated to do.  There are no “routines” to learn.  Just steps to follow.  My class (that I’ve been taking for several years) has women of a wide range of sizes and ages. (And yes, I am always trying to figure out where I am on the age/size continuum.) In it, I feel – ready for it? — graceful and lithe.  Lithe — now there’s a word not too many people would use to describe me.  But notice I didn’t say I LOOK graceful and lithe.  For all I know I look like a big gallumphing oaf — the point is, I feel good about it — so I do it.

The thing about Nia is – you get tired, you sweat (depends on your teacher, btw.  I don’t want anyone all mad at me because they end up with some mellow instructor.  Every class is different.  We have the immensely sweaty class.) but you never feel as if you’re “EXERCISING.”  I can do a whole class and not realize until I can barely sit down the next day that I did about 100 squats/plies the day before in class.  And there ain’t nothing like not being able to sit down and get back up again to let you know you’ve worked out. (Either that, or you’ve just gotten too fat to make your way out of a chair.)

So there it is – my pitch for Nia.  With nary a self-deprecating comment in sight.  See? Nia is empowering me already.

October 14, 2008 at 2:46 pm 1 comment

Me Me Me Me ME

Guess what?  I am an influential New Yorker. Know how I know this? Because someone left hangers for me in my lobby. To some, they’re just hangers, but to me, they are tangible, fuzzy, no-slip, highly- engineered proof that someone out there was thinking about me.

The hangers came to me from Joy Mangano, closet organizer. (I wonder, does she introduce herself that way? A la, Lois Lane, ace reporter? Or George Clooney, movie star? Turns out Joy Mangano is famous!  These hangers she sent me aren’t just any hangers — they are the best selling item in HSN history!! 167 million of these babies have been sold. Who knew? (other than the millions of hanger owners) Yet she’s decided that she’d like ME to blog about her. Maybe she’s hoping I’ll write things like “Gee, this Joy Mangano, who pays me no commission, and who I have never met, makes the best hangers in the world.” Perhaps she’s even hoping that I’ll tell you that — should you be able to find your way through the clutter that you surely wouldn’t even have, had you employed Joy Mangano in the first place —  you should check out her website and see the wonders she hath wrought with her organizational skills.  Point is, a woman who has beaten out spray on hair, Susan Lucci’s jewlery, and Suzanne Somers’ …everything — is interested in ME. (more…)

October 13, 2008 at 2:35 pm 1 comment

Stepford Sarah: Palin Programmed for Debate!

Today, I got this email from my brother:

Gee willikers, wasn’t Sarah Palin swell last night. Let those East
Coast media elites
say what they will, but that was one heckuva
whizbang show ole Sarah put on. Gosh oh golly she was great. What a
nifty VP she’ll make, dontcha think?

For those of you who aren’t from New York:  that’s called sarcasm.

Because while Sarah Palin didn’t humiliate herself, didn’t fumble, didn’t tell anyone she’d “get back to” ’em. She also didn’t impress anyone (certainly not my brother, a proud, card carrying, ivy-educated member of the East Coast Elite) with the depth of her intellect and understanding.  Still, give credit where credit is due.  It was a great performance.  I can’t wait to see how she does in the evening gown portion of the event.

What my brother doesn’t know is, and what secret sources have recently revealed to this blogger, is that that wasn’t  really Sarah Palin up there.  It was (scary music sting) STEPFORD SARAH.

Whereas most candidates are coached before a debate, Sarah Palin was, quite literally, programmed, evidently by a former writer of that great American show, Hee-Haw.  Stepford Sarah was programmed in folksy overdrive.  I half expected her to ask for a break so she could check on the RV she had parked outside, grab a brewsky, and make sure she didn’t let down her bowling league on their big night.

Lord knows I’m fair and impartial, so I’ll admit that Joe Biden was working the working class thing, too.  But at least when he said “working class” there was a “g” at the end of the word.

I have done some quick mathematical calculation of the folksiness quotient of each of the debators.  You’ll see that it clearly shows that Sarah Palin was folksier by a quotient of Chuckie Cheese³. Click here to see my expert mathematical calculation of folksiness

October 3, 2008 at 10:44 pm 1 comment

McCain Changes Slogan from Country First to Campaign First!

Ok. So he didn’t really change his slogan. He might as well have.

I mean, far be it from me to accuse a decorated war hero of being less than patriotic…but does anyone out there really believe that McCain was thinking “Country First” when he picked the TOTALLY unprepared (albeit quite perky) Sarah Palin as his running mate? I think not. I think it was out with Country First and in with Campaign First. And now that Palin is being exposed as the underinformed lightweight that she is (thanks, Katie) I think McCain should dump her and pick someone new as his running mate. I’ve already nominated myself and Anna Faris, but here are a few more suggestions:

1. David Hasselhoff

Hey, this guy could really shore up our foreign relations. Not only do they love The Hoff in Germany, but he’s a HUGE hit in — well, everywhere. This is a quote from his own social network (and any guy with his own social network knows how to use “the Google” for sure.)

In my travels round (sic) the world I have always been surprised that no matter where I go people recognize and know me, from Europe, Australia and India to the Philippines and the Zulu Nation in South Africa. This got me thinking… I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me.

He’s not just looking out his window at other countries, people in other countries are looking at him — in a bathing suit! The Hoff even knows about The Zulu Nation!!

Plus, we all know he makes measured, fair decisions. His judgment is sound. Haven’t you seen him on America’s Got Talent?

2. Elmo

Who could not like Elmo? World leaders would find him so darn cute they’d put aside petty complaints like our unfounded invasions of other countries, the war crimes perpetrated against detainees in Abu Gharaib and GTMO, and our infliction of Paris Hilton on the world at large.

He’s excellent at teaching all about cooperation, this guy could reach right across the aisle with his furry little hand.  Also, remember all that hullabaloo about the Alaska governor’s private jet? Elmo doesn’t need a jet! Just fold him up, put him in a suitcase, and you’re set to go.

Of course, having a president with a puppet as VP would take some adjusting. We’re so used to it being the other way around.

3. Bullwinkle.

For all those deeply disturbed by Palin’s propensity for mooseburgers. This guy IS a moose! The Anti-Palin incarnate!!

4. Glinda the Good Witch

There’s just something about Palin that reminds me of Glinda. So if McCain chooses her (and yes, I know she’s fictional….this whole exercise is fictional…do you really think I think McCain is going to believe that The Hoff knows anything abou the Zulu nation?) Anyway — if McCain chooses Glinda, he’ll have a change, but he’ll still have a perky, can-do, kinda gal. And the similarities don’t end there:

  • Like Palin, Glinda flies. Granted, the Good Witch flies without a helicopter or assault rifle, and instead of killing defenseless little furry creatures, she saves defenseless little munchkin creatures…but let’s not nitpick, shall we?
  • In the face of difficulty, Glinda doesn’t blink. She may flutter her eyelashes a lot, but she doesn’t blink. Did you see her take on The Wicked Witch of the West? You can’t blink.  You just can’t.
  • Palin is kept from the media in a protective bubble. Glinda travels in an actual bubble.

The similarities are mind-boggling!

5. Tina Fey

This one is a no-brainer.  She does a pitch perfect impression of Palin…but she has a brain!! It’s Palin without Palin! All the perkiness, all the spunk, she even wears glasses! Plus, if things ever get awkward on an international visit, she can always do a comic riff to loosen things up a bit. An added bonus…she’s friends with Alec Baldwin. Much better than that snow-mobiling hick the real Palin hangs around with.

There you have it. A comprehensive, vetted list of a “vast variety” (to quote Scary Sarah) replacements for Sarah Palin should McCain choose to dump her at this late date. (As if!) They all have name recognition, they all know have experience handling the “gotcha media,” and they all have at least as much claim on the job as Palin.

I hope he picks David Hasselhoff, though.  He’s got that really cool car! Kitt is way better than a motorcade. It’s even got artificial intelligence. So it’ll fit right in with the rest of the Republican administration. The Maverick and The Hoff. Makes as much sense as anything else that’s been happening this election. I like it.

October 1, 2008 at 2:21 pm 4 comments

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