Archive for August, 2008

Scaling too High

If you gain five pounds, but you don’t have a scale to step on…does it really make you fat?

I’ve been avoiding the scale lately, because I don’t need to weigh myself to know that I have gained weight, again, this summer.   But instead of being upset about it, I’m going to find reasons to be glad. Yes glad.  Weight gain is my friend.

1. Catherine Deneuve said (and I paraphrase, for you sticklers out there) that after forty, a woman has to decide between her body and her face. Evidently, I’ve chosen my face.  Wait, did I have a choice of faces?  I want Angelina Jolie’s.

2. I don’t have to worry about people accusing me of having a tummy tuck.  No tuck.  Just tummy.

3. As a Southern friend once said “the bigger the cushion the better the pushin'”  And I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean pushing your stalled car.

4.  If I fall down, there’s something to cushion my fall.

5. If I can’t find a ruler, I can always pinch an inch.  But that’s just my arms, for my stomach, we’re talking yardstick.

6. I really get use out of the stretch in my stretch jeans.

7. When I look straight down, I don’t have to be confronted by the fact that I haven’t had a pedicure in over a month because I can’t see my toes anyway.

8.  I burn more calories when I exercise, because I weight more, yet I’m still using the treadmill at the same speed, and whatever calculation those machines use…it says I’m burning more.

9. I’m going to win a prize.  Because anyone who can come up with nine good things about weight gain?  Well, she deserves a prize for sure.

10.  It’ll give my an excuse to get VelaShape treatments — which I must try, and I’m sure they’ll work.  And I’ll be thin, and lose the extra five (please let it only be five) so I can get back to trying to lose the same ten pounds I’ve been trying to get rid of for twenty years.

Hey – can my prize be vela-shape?  Or magical fat reducing tonic?  Or — oh, this’ll be good.  A little WILLPOWER!!!


August 30, 2008 at 9:50 pm Leave a comment

Labor(ious) Day

Labor Day weekend.  The holiday of hot dogs and hamburgers, and even more family than usual crammed into this seemingly large but amazingly small when it’s filled with my entire family house.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But since I am a seasonal moocher  — this house (nice pic, huh?) belongs to my parents and I’ve spent the entire summer here with my kids — I am already a bit (ok deeply) into family overload.  ‘Cause this summer has been all about the family time.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

It’s just that if I were looking for something to make me feel younger, I might have skipped the dermabrasion (I think I did that in 8th grade with a Buff Puff for a whole lot less money) and just moved back in with Mom and Dad.  Because really, what’s more infantilizing than living in your parents’ house for three months?  I’ll tell you what….NOTHING.


August 29, 2008 at 10:05 pm 1 comment

Cheetah Shmeetah

As I write this, my eight year old daughter sits and watches the premiere of the new Disney propaganda marketing machine….I mean movie, The Cheetah Girls, One World.

Yes, one Disney-fied world. One world filled with teenaged girls who wear only stillettos, and tons of make-up, and gyrate on the dance floor like they have way more experience than I had at that age. And it wasn’t like I was all that innocent then, either.

Ostensibly, the Cheetah girls are all about friendship over fame. The group over the one. It’s communism Disney style — with really great clothes. They’re all it it together. (To borrow from another Disney marketing bonanza). Only they’re not. One Cheetah is absent. Raven Simone (Galleria — she’s even named after a mall. Talk about materialism.) has left the group. Within the first few moment of the movie the remaining Cheetahs explain — she’s off the Cambridge. Buh-bye. So much for friendship. These girls are on the cell-phones all the time — even in India. (what network are they on? I want that range…and no worries about roaming charges, either.) Yet they never once call to speak to Galleria. I know I’m out of the room right this minute — but they hadn’t mentioned her yet. I don’t think they’re gonna start. Nice friendship. Out of group, out of mind.

Is it wrong of me to let my daughter watch this stuff? Will it make her think that that’s what she’s supposed to be? Made up and calling people “girlfriend” and saying “yo”? Does she get that it’s a movie? That most teenaged girls don’t jaunt off to India after one audition? That most teenaged girls don’t have a different, perfectly styled hair-do and trendy overly styled outfit (I mean, really, fingerless gloves? Sequined bustiers?) for every moment of every day?

And why why why does every single pop star have mellisma– itis? How many syllables can the word Loooooooooove have, anyway?

I don’t know. All I do know is I’d better get back in there and watch with her, so I can keep on reminding her that what she’s seeing is all Disney — and no reality. That teenaged girls don’t get to travel the world without any adult supervision whatsoever. That beauty isn’t only about how much eyeliner you wear, or how ungepatchked your outfits are. (It’s Yiddish – meaning overly accessorized)

If I don’t, maybe she’ll end up like me, trying for twenty years to lose the same twenty pounds, and writing a self-deprecating blog every day. Yikes.

August 22, 2008 at 9:29 pm 1 comment

Why I’m Not Watching the Olympics Anymore

I’m tired. It’s been a long day. So I’m just giving you this link to my post on another site about Olympics fatigue.

Read it and see if you agree.

August 21, 2008 at 9:35 pm Leave a comment

Having the Sex Talk. Or Not.

A friend of mine is having a baby any day now. I’m thrilled for her. But for me, not so much. Because her pregnancy is making my kids ask lots of questions. Questions I’m not ready to answer.

Not that my kids haven’t asked me about the birds and the bees before. When my twins were three, they wanted to know how they got in my belly and how they got out. “What were we before we were born?” they asked.

My husband and I didn’t want to lie. But neither did we think our three year-olds were ready to know all about the reproductive cycle.

I told them a version of the truth: “Before you were born you were ingredients.” Then I told them a half-truth: “Then Mommy and Daddy’s ingredients mixed together in my tummy (insert hula hoop gesture here) and you grew until you came out. Anyone want an ice cream?”

Mission accomplished. Sex talk over. They were three; they were easily distracted; and that was truth enough. But as they got older, things got trickier. (more…)

August 20, 2008 at 10:53 pm Leave a comment

The Party’s Over

Yesterday, I took a job.

A real, honest to goodness, I will get a paycheck job.

I didn’t do this lightly. I had slowed down working a lot about three years ago, then stopped completely one year ago, and I was starting to lose my mind. Full-time mommy-hood was killing me. Too much stress. Too much worry. Too much laundry. I even blogged about it here, and here.

I felt like my days were completely overloaded…with absolutely nothing. Remember, my kids aren’t babies anymore. They’re in school all day. That meant my days were filled with cleaning and grocery shopping and cooking, and feeling guilty if I didn’t get to the gym. ( For really, wasn’t that my job? Super-fit exercise mom?

I didn’t want to just have days filled with Yoga class, and lunch with friends, and afternoon jaunts to the museum. I wanted to feel like I was contributing to the world, to our bank account. I missed the camaraderie of the edit-room, the creative energy of brainstorming meetings.

So I decided I’d start looking for some freelance work once the summer was over. Well — the summer is over.


August 19, 2008 at 11:24 am Leave a comment

Wii Are not a very Good Athlete

I'm the cute avatar on the right!


Although I have been opposed to video games for years, I now own a Wii.

I own this Wii because some publicist obviously mistook me for someone with a wide audience and sent me one. He also sent me a Wii Fit. (Which I blogged about Here)

The Wii Fit is an amazing toy/exercise tool. It weighs you, calculates your body mass index, and then tests your reflexes and balance to determine your Wii Fit age, which it then uses to select exercises for you.


According to the Wii Fit, I am 48 years old. According to the Wii Fit, I am on the cusp of 50, I am headed for menopause, about to get some serious crows feet, about to droop so badly that my current body will seem taut in comparison.

According to the Wii Fit, my body is five years older than I am. (more…)

August 17, 2008 at 9:31 pm 2 comments

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