Missin’ Ms. Palin

Now that it’s all over, now that John McCain has gone back to Mavericking, and Barak Obama has gone on to make history, now that Joe Sixpack only has empties, Joe Biden has the Vice Presidency, and Joe the Plumber has gone back to doing whatever it is an unlicensed plumber does,  I can’t help but wonder: what’s Sarah Palin going to do?

Here are some ideas for What Sarah Palin Can do, now that she won’t be in the runner-up position, ready to assume the winner’s duties, should, for some reason, he be unable, unwilling, or unelected to fulfill them:

1. She could start her own line of eye-wear.

I’m not talking just any eyeglasses.  I’m talking the kind that Sarah Palin has.  The kind that let you see who the “real Americans’ are.  With these glasses, everyone would know who was a “real American” and who was just a tax paying, law-abiding, free-choice supporting, Chardonnay drinking liberal.  They’d know who they could sell a house to (not some un-American), who they should hire for a new job (no un-Americans allowed!), who they should allow to marry (un-Americans need not apply.)

They’d sale like moose-cakes.

2. She could be her own action figure.

Imagine the possibilities!!  Paratrooper Palin! Comes clad in her own skin-tight fatigues and spiked army boots with an additional $150,000 wardrobe fit for any climate!  Six pack, moose and rifle sold seperately.

3. She could host her own game show:

Are you Smarter Than a Vice Presidential Candidate?  Regular Americans would face-off against the political beauty and try not be stumped by such tough questions as: what newspapers do you read?  What does the Vice President do? And can you spell MAVERICK?

4. She could get her own show on Fox News.

Sadly, I’m not joking.  She’d fit right in: no regard for facts, no ability or desire to hide her complete and total bias, and an uncanny ability to make the absurd seem reasonable. Plus, she could break up that boring old news genre with a talent portion of the show each night.

Monday Night: Moose Dressing (by which I mean undressing, in the most permanent sense.)

Tuesday night: Pageant Walking (thanks Tina Fey),

Wednesday Night: A guest appearance by Todd…and his snow mobile (how manly)!

Thursday Night: guess how many more babies I’m going to have game, and

Friday Night: a duet with former US Attorney General John Ashcroft of “Let the Eagle Soar” fame.

It’ll be a ratings phenomenon.

5. She could land on an aircraft carrier (clad in her skin-tight fatigues and spiked army boots) and declare victory for John McCain.

The Republicans already have a precedent for this. Declare war whether you’re right or not, then declare victory whether you’ve won or not.  There are endless permutations along these lines: declare knowledge, whether you have any or not, declare experience whether you’ve had any that’s relevant or not, declare maverick status every chance you get.

6. She could go back to Alaska just in time for the frigid, snowy, winter, get trapped in her home by an avalanche, and then float away sometime in the early spring when the thaw comes much earlier than expected because of global warming, and never be seen or heard from again.

Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

Wall Street and the (Stair)Masters of the Universe

I walked past a job fair yesterday.  Usually, I find them quaint: young, fresh faced, newly graduated and full of hope candidates line up, looking excited at the prospect of their first job, their grown-up life.

This group of people, however, looked neither young, nor fresh-faced, nor hopeful.  I saw middle-aged men in expensive looking business suits who looked shell-shocked, as if they couldn’t understand where they were.  I saw 30-something wheeler-dealer types, who until the last few weeks had probably thought themselves invincible. There more people lined up for that job fair than I’d ever seen.  The line snaked down Sixth Avenue, across 19th Street, and around the corner of 18th Street almost halfway to 7th Avenue.  For the first time, I saw the ramifications of the current financial crisis up close.  These people weren’t starting out excited down the path to success, they were desperately clinging to what they already had, and were afraid to lose.

To most people, the financial crisis is happening in some mysterious place called Wall Street.  Evidently, the rest of America is “Main Street” and only this one street — the epicenter of the crisis, the “ground zero” of the financial downfall, is to blame.  To New Yorkers, Wall Street isn’t some figurative place, some metaphor for greed.  It’s just another street, with offices, and shops and a few not-very-good restaurants. It’s just another part of the City we call home.

Stepford Sarah: Palin Programmed for Debate!

Today, I got this email from my brother:

Gee willikers, wasn’t Sarah Palin swell last night. Let those East
Coast media elites say what they will, but that was one heckuva
whizbang show ole Sarah put on. Gosh oh golly she was great. What a
nifty VP she’ll make, dontcha think?

For those of you who aren’t from New York:  that’s called sarcasm.

Because while Sarah Palin didn’t humiliate herself, didn’t fumble, didn’t tell anyone she’d “get back to” ‘em. She also didn’t impress anyone (certainly not my brother, a proud, card carrying, ivy-educated member of the East Coast Elite) with the depth of her intellect and understanding.  Still, give credit where credit is due.  It was a great performance.  I can’t wait to see how she does in the evening gown portion of the event.

What my brother doesn’t know is, and what secret sources have recently revealed to this blogger, is that that wasn’t  really Sarah Palin up there.  It was (scary music sting) STEPFORD SARAH.

Whereas most candidates are coached before a debate, Sarah Palin was, quite literally, programmed, evidently by a former writer of that great American show, Hee-Haw.  Stepford Sarah was programmed in folksy overdrive.  I half expected her to ask for a break so she could check on the RV she had parked outside, grab a brewsky, and make sure she didn’t let down her bowling league on their big night.

Lord knows I’m fair and impartial, so I’ll admit that Joe Biden was working the working class thing, too.  But at least when he said “working class” there was a “g” at the end of the word.

I have done some quick mathematical calculation of the folksiness quotient of each of the debators.  You’ll see that it clearly shows that Sarah Palin was folksier by a quotient of Chuckie Cheese³.

McCain Changes Slogan from Country First to Campaign First!

Ok. So he didn’t really change his slogan. He might as well have.

I mean, far be it from me to accuse a decorated war hero of being less than patriotic…but does anyone out there really believe that McCain was thinking “Country First” when he picked the TOTALLY unprepared (albeit quite perky) Sarah Palin as his running mate? I think not. I think it was out with Country First and in with Campaign First. And now that Palin is being exposed as the underinformed lightweight that she is (thanks, Katie) I think McCain should dump her and pick someone new as his running mate. I’ve already nominated myself and Anna Faris, but here are a few more suggestions:

1. David Hasselhoff

Hey, this guy could really shore up our foreign relations. Not only do they love The Hoff in Germany, but he’s a HUGE hit in — well, everywhere. This is a quote from his own social network (and any guy with his own social network knows how to use “the Google” for sure.)

In my travels round (sic) the world I have always been surprised that no matter where I go people recognize and know me, from Europe, Australia and India to the Philippines and the Zulu Nation in South Africa. This got me thinking… I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me.

He’s not just looking out his window at other countries, people in other countries are looking at him — in a bathing suit! The Hoff even knows about The Zulu Nation!!

Plus, we all know he makes measured, fair decisions. His judgment is sound. Haven’t you seen him on America’s Got Talent?

2. Elmo

Who could not like Elmo? World leaders would find him so darn cute they’d put aside petty complaints like our unfounded invasions of other countries, the war crimes perpetrated against detainees in Abu Gharaib and GTMO, and our infliction of Paris Hilton on the world at large.

He’s excellent at teaching all about cooperation, this guy could reach right across the aisle with his furry little hand.  Also, remember all that hullabaloo about the Alaska governor’s private jet? Elmo doesn’t need a jet! Just fold him up, put him in a suitcase, and you’re set to go.

Of course, having a president with a puppet as VP would take some adjusting. We’re so used to it being the other way around.

3. Bullwinkle.

For all those deeply disturbed by Palin’s propensity for mooseburgers. This guy IS a moose! The Anti-Palin incarnate!!

4. Glinda the Good Witch

There’s just something about Palin that reminds me of Glinda. So if McCain chooses her (and yes, I know she’s fictional….this whole exercise is fictional…do you really think I think McCain is going to believe that The Hoff knows anything abou the Zulu nation?) Anyway — if McCain chooses Glinda, he’ll have a change, but he’ll still have a perky, can-do, kinda gal. And the similarities don’t end there:

• Like Palin, Glinda flies. Granted, the Good Witch flies without a helicopter or assault rifle, and instead of killing defenseless little furry creatures, she saves defenseless little munchkin creatures…but let’s not nitpick, shall we?
• In the face of difficulty, Glinda doesn’t blink. She may flutter her eyelashes a lot, but she doesn’t blink. Did you see her take on The Wicked Witch of the West? You can’t blink.  You just can’t.
• Palin is kept from the media in a protective bubble. Glinda travels in an actual bubble.

The similarities are mind-boggling!

5. Tina Fey

This one is a no-brainer.  She does a pitch perfect impression of Palin…but she has a brain!! It’s Palin without Palin! All the perkiness, all the spunk, she even wears glasses! Plus, if things ever get awkward on an international visit, she can always do a comic riff to loosen things up a bit. An added bonus…she’s friends with Alec Baldwin. Much better than that snow-mobiling hick the real Palin hangs around with.

There you have it. A comprehensive, vetted list of a “vast variety” (to quote Scary Sarah) replacements for Sarah Palin should McCain choose to dump her at this late date. (As if!) They all have name recognition, they all know have experience handling the “gotcha media,” and they all have at least as much claim on the job as Palin.

I hope he picks David Hasselhoff, though.  He’s got that really cool car! Kitt is way better than a motorcade. It’s even got artificial intelligence. So it’ll fit right in with the rest of the Republican administration. The Maverick and The Hoff. Makes as much sense as anything else that’s been happening this election. I like it.

Sing, Sarah Palin, Sing!

Last night, I went to see a neighbor’s cabaret show.  You know, one of those things where you rent out the space, hire the band, and then invite all your friends to pay a cover charge, drink the two drink minimum and come to hear you sing.  And all I could think about, the whole time I sat there, was Sarah Palin.  Because  – and this is just between you and me — my neighbor can’t sing.  I mean, he can carry a tune and all.  But that’s about it.  The thing is, though, he was good.   Neighbor Man is a great performer.  He was charming.  He was funny.  He was warm.  He was, quite clearly, having the time of his life.  And so I didn’t (much) care that when he held a note for more than a beat or so it started to go flat.  I didn’t care that his voice was, shall we say, less than fabulous.  He was truly entertaining. I liked him.

I think that that’s how people feel about Sarah Palin.  Maybe she doesn’t know her stuff.  Maybe she doesn’t have enough experience, maybe she can’t really sing, but gosh darnit, isn’t she just the greatest?

Last night in her exclusive interview on CBS news, Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin to give her even  “one example of John McCain pressing for more regulation” on Wall Street.

“He’s a Maverick.” Palin answered, non-sequitorally.

Couric pressed again, asking for a specific example.

“Well, we need to really be behind new regulations.”

Couric, promising that she wouldn’t beat this to the ground, asked one last time for specific examples.

“I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring ‘em to ya.” answered Palin.  Her folksy smile and phony eyeglasses gleaming for the cameras.

So there you have it:  she can’t sing, but she’s entertaining.

On the Cabaret stage, when your friends are in the house, that’s a good thing.  But on the international stage, when the country and the world are depending on you — well, you’d better have your facts straight.. or at least your script;  you’d better be able to belt it out like Bette or Barbara.

Because out there in the real world, where everyone isn’t your friend, charm and likability just aren’t enough.  And even a really big cover charge won’t cover that up.

John McCain Should’ve Picked Me!!

Every time I see Sarah Palin, a former beauty queen (runner up), mother of many, not all that experienced governor of a state that has about as many residents as my building.  I cannot believe that John McCain would do this.  I mean, why not pick Elisabeth Hasselbeck?  She’s cute. She’s conservative.  And people have actually HEARD of her. Or, why not just pick me?  Never mind that I’m a  pro-choice, pro-gun control, seriously left of center liberal — I don’t blink. I stay the course.  And I really need my glasses.

But in case you still need convincing…read on

1. I am the Mayor of my own domain.

• I do all the budgeting (you try to send two kids to private school in NYC).
• I do all the scheduling: gymnastics, piano, guitar, roller blading, cooking, Tae Kwan Do.(It’s a wonder they have time for school at all.)
• I take meetings about matters important to my constituency: how much tv can they watch, when can they get a dog, do they have to kiss their Great Uncle hello, even though he’s the kind of guy strangers offer to buy food for when they see him on the street?
• Pretty much everything I do is a photo op, what with the cuteness of my little ones.

Gibson Girl: How Last Night’s ABC Interview Made Scary Sarah Palin Scarier than Ever

Last night I watched Charlie Gibson interview Sarah Palin on ABC News.  It was a little light on the tough follow-ups.  A little long on her generic aphorisms about victory being in sight and being vigilant.  Short on facts, and answers to the actual questions asked.  And a teeny bit too perky. But overall, she wasn’t terrible.

Here’s what I saw:  a clearly intelligent, poised, perky(again), well-spoken, appealing persona telling America her opinion on politics.  She was not dumb.  She was not stuttering, or using malapropisms…she sounded like the Republican version of me, at a dinner party, talking about politics.  I know what I think and everything — I just don’t quite have all the facts.  You know – I just think stuff.

But there is one huge difference between me and Sarah Palin – aside from the fake glasses, the twang, the creationism and all that horrid gun stuff — I’M NOT RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT! (though you can click here to read why I should be.)

So she’s not stupid.  So she can speak in front of a crowd.  So what?  Everyone has an opinion.  My doorman, the taxi driver, the guy on the bus this morning talking the driver’s ear off. (Hello? do you not see the sign that reads “do not talk to driver while bus is in motion”?) Everyone is entitled to an option.  But opinion isn’t enough. You need knowledge, experience, command of the facts. Do I think she can learn a lot of the things she needs to? Absolutely.  Clearly, the woman’s no slouch.  But do I think that she should be learning on the job? Ummmmm….NO.

What upsets me most about all this is that even though I completely disagree with John McCain about just about everything…I thought he was a decent guy.  Turns out, he’s a guy who picks as his running mate, not someone who would make a good vice president — much less president — but someone who can get him elected.  That’s shameful.  And insulting. And it’s certainly not putting “country first.”

White House Bunny: Anna Faris for VP

If “perky” is all you need to be to be Vice President of the United States, then I nominate Anna Faris, star of the new movie House Bunny…or at least her character, Shelley.

She is eminently qualified for any number of reasons. First of all, she’s an advocate for the little guys. (Or the nerdy girls, but let’s not quibble.) She stands up for their rights (rights to party – that quibbling thing again!), she throws an excellent fund-raiser, she’s particularly good at public relations with foreign (i.e. cool) bodies. And she knows where she stands: naked in the middle of a magazine. (and weren’t there some bikini/gun pics of Palin? Same thing, less money. And Faris looks better in her bikini than the VP pick.) On top of that, Shelley is very clear on her voting stance, and able to listen to more than one party. Though she never listens to Simon, she is open to the views of both Paula and Randy.

Like Palin, Shelley has vast executive experience. Hey, have you ever tried to wrangle a house full of horny college aged kids? That takes dedication, hard work, and a firm grasp of economic policy. Plus, it’s kinda like having a lot of kids – well, close enough. Like Palin, Shelley is full of cute sayings – remember lipstick on a pit bull? Well Shelley says “The eyes are the nipples of the face.” Like Palin, Shelley can be mighty scary. Just wait till you hear her exorcist voice. It’s just like Palin’s entire speech at the convention — almost supernaturally frightening. Hey, Shelley even puts her hair up and wears glasses in one scene. I’m telling you, she’s just like Palin. Only even perkier.

And since perky and likable seem to be the only qualifications for VP as far as the Republicans are concerned — I rescind my previous nomination of myself, (though I’ll still keep my presidential platform) and nominate Anna Faris as Shelley. And hey, the age difference between her and McCain is just like the difference between Shelley and Hef!! It’s perfect. Maybe she’ll even turn the White House in to the Playboy mansion. She’ll be out White House Bunny!!That’ll get the foreign dignitaries lining up for a visit. Anna Faris for president, I say! And God Bless the United States of America.

Mom for President!

With the conventions over, and Sarah Palin’s nasty speech somehow energizing the right, it’s starting to seem as if the Republicans are going to win.

Something must be done.   So I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring.  I’m running on the MOM platform.  And it’s not an acronym.  I’m running as a Mom, on the issues that matter to Moms and here’s where I stand.

1.  The Economy

Where does all the kinzcash go?  Really, I’d like to know.  My son and daughter often choose to play on the Webkinz website for their allowed thirty minutes of screen-time each day.  There, they earn Kinzcash for doing jobs, and playing games.  Yet they never seem to have enough Kinzcash to buy the things they need for their pets, like a new chew toy, or a large screen tv. (And really, what virtual penguin doesn’t need a 55″ plasma?) America needs to start putting a little kinzcash in the bank for that sick-day when all screen-time rules go out the window, and they play on the computer all day.

The Republican Mob

I won’t bother to state the obvious:  that the film that preceded McCain’s speech had productions values so low it made home-movies on You Tube look good.  That the incessant use of ancient-looking black and white photos (photos!)  didn’t help make John McCain seem any younger. (Not that I think he’s old.  72 is the new 42.  Which makes me, at 43, exactly 12 years old.) I won’t mention that the hokey writing of said video was, at times, laughable (“John’s life was spared…perhaps because he had more to do.”  Are they kidding?) Or that the incredibly bad stock photos of people of color was obvious – as if they couldn’t get actual Black people to pose for them, so they just bought…whatever.

No, I’m not going to talk about any of that. Because the truth is, aside from the fact that I disagree with just about every single solitary thing McCain stands for, I kinda think he’s a good guy.  I truly believe that John McCain does put country first.  That he fully believes that all of his ideas will help this country be a better place.  He’s wrong, and it would be (will be?) terrifying to have him as President, but he’s well-meaning, at least.  I don’t want to insult him.  So he’s a lousy orator.  For him, last night was positively rousing.

What he said didn’t surprise me.  How he said it didn’t surprise me.  It was the crowd that surprised me.  Disgusted me, really.

What’s with all the chanting?  ‘USA USA USA!”  There’s something creepy, xenophobic, and mob mentality about it that terrifies me. The democrats did a lot of repetitious call and response.  The kind that builds to a crescendo and then ends.  The Republicans were in a nationalistic frenzy. I could almost spell the tar and feel the feathers.  This wasn’t a group of delegates.  This was an angry mob.

Who are these people?  People who wear “Drill More!” t-shirts? Who look about as much like a melting pot as I look like a super-model?  Who think that a woman who attacks grass-roots activists and community organizers as useless and irrelevant is fit to be the vice president?  Who say that they want smaller government — until it comes to that government telling you what to do with your body, in your bedroom, or with your personal religious beliefs?  I don’t know who they are.

And not to be superficial or anything, but I couldn’t stop thinking that none of the people on the Rebublican Convention floor even looked like anyone I’ve ever known.  They were so coiffed, so lip glossed, so overtly blond and blue eyed.  I’ve never seen so many strings of pearls in my life.  It was a %&*) time warp.

Am I just so left-coast, left-wing, big-city that I don’t know what’s really out there?  Is this America? Has patriotism become confused with nationalism? I thought I was depressed when Bush won.  I thought I’d had it when he won again.  But this time.  If we lose — if the mob mentality wins –dip me in tar, roll me in feathers, and don’t take me out of the feather suit until it’s all over.